when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
