The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
