i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
