I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
