why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
