I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
