i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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