The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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