my phone needs a breathalizer
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
