i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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