conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
