She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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