Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
