living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
