none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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