im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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