dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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