chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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