I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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