Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
