Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
