Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
