I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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