were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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