I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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