My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
