dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
