Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
