New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
