Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
