When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
