thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
