Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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