I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
