did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i came on her dog
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
