Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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