lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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