well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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