So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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