a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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