Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
