You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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