Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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