The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
