The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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