There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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