Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
