I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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