so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
