Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
