Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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